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[01 Dec 2004|10:35pm] |
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mood |
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 weary |
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change: to cause to be different
why does it hurt so much?
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| [so surprise... i'm free] |
[23 Jul 2004|11:37pm] |
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mood |
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sad |
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music |
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Free - Plumb |
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I love how I rarely ever update this journal... but when I need a place to express myself in my typical deep and confusing ways, it's here.
Today was so horrible. I should have known it would be. Even though it was my last day of work for two complete days and I had such awesome plans for the weekend. Like the rest of my life, everything crumbles.
Well when I woke up, I felt pretty good, considering I got 9 blissful hours of sleep last night. My headache was gone and I just felt back to normal. But then mom got up and we discussed the whole Gayle issue. She's not allowed to stay at my house for the third time. I don't believe the lame excuses her parents give. There's something more to it. But what can I do? Nothing, exactly. At least not until May 15, 2005 when she turns 18.
Work started out too well--I should have suspected things would go down in flames. But anyways, I enjoyed my first 4 hours. I was hanging, and I know a lot of people think it's boring. But I usually feel some strange sense of contentment when I hang, so I really don't mind at all. Plus I love working with Miss Ruthie and Jean. They're so hilarious.
Then Wanda gets the brilliant idea that the service desk is going to be busy, so I can go up there with Carol. I knew that wouldn't be any fun at all. Carol's usually nice to me, but then I rarely work directly with her. She's a control freak and can be quite nasty--with both her fellow associates and the customers. (And Wanda wonder's why our customer service approval has gone down--ha!) I actually got out of it most of the day. I did an audit, which took most of the afternoon.
But once it got busy on the service desk. And I could have just kept walking. I wasn't even called. But no, I felt like I had to do the right thing and help. So I wait on this lady who is picking up her layaway. I'm trying to hurry--because we just got a lecture on being quicker at the morning meeting. She walks away, and Carol goes, "Did you check the things off that layaway??" At first I had no clue what she was talking about... we've never done that to lately. I completely forgot. But she goes on to make a big deal about it... right in front of customers, another woman I work with, and my manager. I just wanted a hole to open up and swallow me into it. It was so humilating. Yes, I should have done it. But is it too much to ask to be pulled aside to be repreminded? Of course it is. Instead, I'm just humilated. I just bit my lip and tried to keep the tears away. But I think if I could go back, I would have just let them flow. Maybe that would make her think about other people's feelings before she speaks.
It feels like ever since then I've either been on the edge of tears or in tears.
Courtney called me then and had Jason ask me to go with them and some friend's to an Evanescence concert tomorrow night. I knew I couldn't go. Brittany and Court (Gayle was too...) were suppose to stay the night here. There's no way I could ditch out on Brittany. And for the brief few seconds when I considered it, I looked and saw it was at this one venue in Columbia that has a pretty big rep for drugs and drinking. Call me naive or sheltered or goodie two shoes or whatever you want, but I don't want to be in that situation. Mostly cause I don't think I could handle it.
I think mom thought I was nuts at first cause I cried so much tonight. I cried to her while I chopped up broccoli for her salad for tomorrow. I cried when I watched Boy Meets World. (It was the episode where Cory and Topango break up because of that Lauren girl. I remember I cried when I saw it when it originally aired. I've always been this weird, yes.) And then I cried when I was reading.
See, I have this problem. Well, I don't really think it's a problem. I guess it's just an overactive imagination. A lot of times when I read a really good book, I get into it a little too much. It's not like I think I'm the character, but I feel their pain, I guess you could say. Like last weekend, I read a book about a girl who was schiziphrenic/paranoid. And then for a day or two, my thinking was all out of whack. Maybe I am a bit crazy...
But anyways, I've been reading this trilogy called Degrees of Guilt. I finished up the second one today. Each book is by a different author, from a different character's point of view on the same event. And the event was a boy's death. The first book was from his sister's point of view, and the second from a close girl friend. Each one feels guilty for his death.
So I guess I was feeling even more lonely after while I was reading about a girl who feels completely responsible for her friend's death that she cuts herself off from everyone. Plus, everything else above was weighing heavily on my shoulders. I guess you could say I was having my very own pity party about how much life sucked. But then a verse came to my mind and I was surprised at how much comfort it gave me. God's so awesome like that.
And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. - Jesus, Matthew 28:20.
Half a year ago I wrote...
There are two things I am certain of.
One, I know I want God's will fulfilled in my life. I'm not sure where that will take me or who I'll go with... and that drives me nuts! He knows my deepest desires and fears... And I'm learning to be content that He will work things out.
Secondly, I know that God is not a God of confusion. That in my times where I do not understand, He's molding me into the woman He desires me to be. It's in the times where I'm so broken that God must see pieces of me are scattered around when he looks down from heaven, that I hear Him clearly.
I amuse me. I really do. Because here I was thinking about how much I've grown and changed since the beginning of this year. But come to find out, I still only know those two things. But maybe they are the important things to know?
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| someday, someway |
[23 Apr 2004|03:50pm] |
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mood |
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pessimistic |
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music |
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Thinking it Over - Seven Places |
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I just want my thoughts to overflow onto this canvas of a journal and make sense. But I'm sure they won't. How can I explain how I feel without being able to make sense of any of it? Even that didn't make sense.
Do you ever look at things and just not want to be living in this world anymore? Things are just THAT upseting and depressing. All the mean, horrible, and downright evil things that happen? I had always thought that heaven's going to be amazing... but I want the chance to grow up, get married, have a family, see my kids grow up... and then when I'm old I'll die in my sleep, or the rapture could happen, and that'd be the perfect time for heaven. But anymore, I'm just tired of seeing so many horrible things...
driving on the road to home, a few cars back
maybe three in front, i don't know
all i know is we are going way too slow
the guy infront takes a left, the others follow
i am left alone
maybe this will be the day that i'm going home
and i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time
walking on the road to home
i take three steps and i fall backward five more
i want to stop building up these walls between us
the walls of pride, the walls of pain
break through these and make me whole again
i cannot wait to be with You, Lord Jesus
when i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time
see the walls
see the walls come crashing down around us
now we... now we are together
and feel lonely for the last time
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| Matter of Time |
[05 Mar 2004|07:24pm] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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music |
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Take Me Away - Sarah Kelly |
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Go out and buy Sarah Kelly's CD Take Me Away. Right now! Go! It is amazing. Or maybe it's just the answer to my prayers. Every song on this CD can somehow reflect my heart right now. But I'll just pick one...
i choose to trust you even through the fire
even when my eyes can't see
i know you're right beside me
i will always praise you no matter what may come
you are always faithful to me
so i will dream and i'll believe
that what you've promised, soon i will see
yeah, soon i will see
it's just a matter of time til i see your face
til i dance in your presence and sing out your praise
it's just a matter of time til i hear you say well done
i surrender to your will, your way, to your plan
all i have and all i am
yeah, all i am
so i will dream and i'll believe
that what you've promised, soon i will see
yeah, soon i will see
it's just a matter of time til i see your face
til i dance in your presence and sing out your praise
it's just a matter of time til i hear you say well done
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[29 Feb 2004|10:31pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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music |
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Listen to Your Heart - Roxette |
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Therefore, when He had risen from the dead, His disciples remembered that He had said this to them; and they believed the Scripture and the word which Jesus had said. -John 2:22
does that verse have any special meaning to you? there's a reason why i'm asking and i may share later...
( and some more song lyrics )
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| saints & sailors |
[28 Feb 2004|05:57pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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music |
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courtney playing "my heart will go on" on the piano |
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this is where i say i've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that i feel now
a walking open wound
a trophy display of bruises
and i don't believe that i'm getting any better
waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and i'm thinking awful things
and i'm pretty sure that few would notice
and this apartment
is starving for an argument
anything at all to break the silence
wandering the house
like i've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now
and i'm throwing away the letters that i am writing you
cause they would never do
i would never do
waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and i'm thinking awful things
and i'm pretty sure that few would notice
and this apartment
is starving for an argument
anything at all to break the silence
so don't be a liar
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's broken
and you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me
-dashboard confessional
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| [am i happy now?] |
[11 Feb 2004|07:09pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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Find Your Way Back - Michelle Branch |
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I like to analyize things... probably too much, at times. This week has been such a emotional, mental, and to some degree physical strain on me. I'm left rather confused and broken.
There are two things I am certain of.
One, I know I want God's will fulfilled in my life. I'm not sure where that will take me or who I'll go with... and that drives me nuts! He knows my deepest desires and fears... And I'm learning to be content that He will work things out.
Secondly, I know that God is not a God of confusion. That in my times where I do not understand, He's molding me into the woman He desires me to be. It's in the times where I'm so broken that God must see pieces of me are scattered around when he looks down from heaven, that I hear Him clearly.
I know I'm going to walk away from this... and be stronger because of it. But, if you have a chance, pray for me.
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:5-6
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[10 Feb 2004|09:20am] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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heart alone
the tears that burn the fiercest
are the ones that hide inside my heart
my pain has beecome a mere joke
so alone, i have no clue where to start
my strength has deceived me
i can't bring myself to cry on the phone
i admit defeat to my despair
lucky am i to be left so alone
yet a small ray of light shines in
i thank God for the sudden appearance of a friend
an ear to listen, but no answers to the question
where is the pain going to end?
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| love when alone |
[08 Feb 2004|06:06pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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Thrive - Newsboys |
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The love of God reaches the deepest of seclusions...
( Read more... )
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| let love in |
[05 Feb 2004|11:56pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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Nightglow - The Benjamin Gate |
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it gets tough and lonely sometimes
and your spirit's barely holding on
what could i say to make you stay
what could i give?
what words do you need to hear
i could give you all the moments
that your sunlight chased away my clouds
but talking will be the death of me
i won't speak
just send my love your way
well you're waiting for salvation
it is waiting for you too
and when life is at its darkest
then the heart will pull you through.
so let love go in all you know...
and let love in
summertime would see you crying
and your heart knew something had to give
you'll never deny the truths you find
you'll hang on tight to a friend you can adore
some may offer sanctuary
give you counsel from the years
and when life is at it's darkest
you can fight away the tears,
so let love go in all you know...
and let love in
well you're waiting for salvation
it is waiting for you too
and when life is at its darkest
then the heart will pull you through.
so let love go in all you know...
and let love in
"let love in" by the elms
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| the bigger picture |
[04 Feb 2004|09:45pm] |
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mood |
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contemplative |
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music |
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My Immortal - Evanescence |
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I decided that my favorite thing about traveling alone was the time I had to think and pray. I really feel that God told me two things while I was flying. One of them hit me as I was decending into Chicago's O'Hare airport on Monday afternoon.
I was staring out the window, looking down on a parking area for school busses. "They're so cute," I thought. "Just like little hotwheel cars." But they weren't. Someone drove that bus. Someone was driving all the cars I saw on the rode. Someone lived in all the homes I passed.
When it hit me that God knows each of these people, knows their thoughts, their needs, I felt a wave of awe. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my little world when there is such a bigger picture. But God is never too busy to listen to anyone of us.
I love being reminded of the simple things.
Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
Philippians 4:6-9
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