-=fervent=-

heart_ablaze @ 2004-12-01T22:35:00

2004-12-02T03:50:46Z

change: to cause to be different

why does it hurt so much?

[so surprise... i'm free]

2004-07-24T04:19:34Z

I love how I rarely ever update this journal... but when I need a place to express myself in my typical deep and confusing ways, it's here.

Today was so horrible. I should have known it would be. Even though it was my last day of work for two complete days and I had such awesome plans for the weekend. Like the rest of my life, everything crumbles.

Well when I woke up, I felt pretty good, considering I got 9 blissful hours of sleep last night. My headache was gone and I just felt back to normal. But then mom got up and we discussed the whole Gayle issue. She's not allowed to stay at my house for the third time. I don't believe the lame excuses her parents give. There's something more to it. But what can I do? Nothing, exactly. At least not until May 15, 2005 when she turns 18.

Work started out too well--I should have suspected things would go down in flames. But anyways, I enjoyed my first 4 hours. I was hanging, and I know a lot of people think it's boring. But I usually feel some strange sense of contentment when I hang, so I really don't mind at all. Plus I love working with Miss Ruthie and Jean. They're so hilarious.

Then Wanda gets the brilliant idea that the service desk is going to be busy, so I can go up there with Carol. I knew that wouldn't be any fun at all. Carol's usually nice to me, but then I rarely work directly with her. She's a control freak and can be quite nasty--with both her fellow associates and the customers. (And Wanda wonder's why our customer service approval has gone down--ha!) I actually got out of it most of the day. I did an audit, which took most of the afternoon.

But once it got busy on the service desk. And I could have just kept walking. I wasn't even called. But no, I felt like I had to do the right thing and help. So I wait on this lady who is picking up her layaway. I'm trying to hurry--because we just got a lecture on being quicker at the morning meeting. She walks away, and Carol goes, "Did you check the things off that layaway??" At first I had no clue what she was talking about... we've never done that to lately. I completely forgot. But she goes on to make a big deal about it... right in front of customers, another woman I work with, and my manager. I just wanted a hole to open up and swallow me into it. It was so humilating. Yes, I should have done it. But is it too much to ask to be pulled aside to be repreminded? Of course it is. Instead, I'm just humilated. I just bit my lip and tried to keep the tears away. But I think if I could go back, I would have just let them flow. Maybe that would make her think about other people's feelings before she speaks.

It feels like ever since then I've either been on the edge of tears or in tears.

Courtney called me then and had Jason ask me to go with them and some friend's to an Evanescence concert tomorrow night. I knew I couldn't go. Brittany and Court (Gayle was too...) were suppose to stay the night here. There's no way I could ditch out on Brittany. And for the brief few seconds when I considered it, I looked and saw it was at this one venue in Columbia that has a pretty big rep for drugs and drinking. Call me naive or sheltered or goodie two shoes or whatever you want, but I don't want to be in that situation. Mostly cause I don't think I could handle it.

I think mom thought I was nuts at first cause I cried so much tonight. I cried to her while I chopped up broccoli for her salad for tomorrow. I cried when I watched Boy Meets World. (It was the episode where Cory and Topango break up because of that Lauren girl. I remember I cried when I saw it when it originally aired. I've always been this weird, yes.) And then I cried when I was reading.

See, I have this problem. Well, I don't really think it's a problem. I guess it's just an overactive imagination. A lot of times when I read a really good book, I get into it a little too much. It's not like I think I'm the character, but I feel their pain, I guess you could say. Like last weekend, I read a book about a girl who was schiziphrenic/paranoid. And then for a day or two, my thinking was all out of whack. Maybe I am a bit crazy...

But anyways, I've been reading this trilogy called Degrees of Guilt. I finished up the second one today. Each book is by a different author, from a different character's point of view on the same event. And the event was a boy's death. The first book was from his sister's point of view, and the second from a close girl friend. Each one feels guilty for his death.

So I guess I was feeling even more lonely after while I was reading about a girl who feels completely responsible for her friend's death that she cuts herself off from everyone. Plus, everything else above was weighing heavily on my shoulders. I guess you could say I was having my very own pity party about how much life sucked. But then a verse came to my mind and I was surprised at how much comfort it gave me. God's so awesome like that.

And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. - Jesus, Matthew 28:20.

Half a year ago I wrote...

There are two things I am certain of.

One, I know I want God's will fulfilled in my life. I'm not sure where that will take me or who I'll go with... and that drives me nuts! He knows my deepest desires and fears... And I'm learning to be content that He will work things out.

Secondly, I know that God is not a God of confusion. That in my times where I do not understand, He's molding me into the woman He desires me to be. It's in the times where I'm so broken that God must see pieces of me are scattered around when he looks down from heaven, that I hear Him clearly.

I amuse me. I really do. Because here I was thinking about how much I've grown and changed since the beginning of this year. But come to find out, I still only know those two things. But maybe they are the important things to know?

[why aren't his arms reaching?]

2004-05-19T18:28:24Z

White Flag by Dido

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you
Or tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess
And destruction to come back again
And I caused but nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of It's over
Then I'm sure that that makes sense

But I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All I was then
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I don't even like this song a whole lot. But it reminds me of a conversation Courtney and I had a few days ago. So yeah...

someday, someway

2004-04-23T20:04:43Z

I just want my thoughts to overflow onto this canvas of a journal and make sense. But I'm sure they won't. How can I explain how I feel without being able to make sense of any of it? Even that didn't make sense.

Do you ever look at things and just not want to be living in this world anymore? Things are just THAT upseting and depressing. All the mean, horrible, and downright evil things that happen? I had always thought that heaven's going to be amazing... but I want the chance to grow up, get married, have a family, see my kids grow up... and then when I'm old I'll die in my sleep, or the rapture could happen, and that'd be the perfect time for heaven. But anymore, I'm just tired of seeing so many horrible things...

driving on the road to home, a few cars back
maybe three in front, i don't know
all i know is we are going way too slow
the guy infront takes a left, the others follow
i am left alone
maybe this will be the day that i'm going home

and i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time

walking on the road to home
i take three steps and i fall backward five more
i want to stop building up these walls between us
the walls of pride, the walls of pain
break through these and make me whole again
i cannot wait to be with You, Lord Jesus

when i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time
and i feel lonely for the last time

see the walls
see the walls come crashing down around us
now we... now we are together
and feel lonely for the last time

Matter of Time

2004-03-06T00:32:46Z

Go out and buy Sarah Kelly's CD Take Me Away. Right now! Go! It is amazing. Or maybe it's just the answer to my prayers. Every song on this CD can somehow reflect my heart right now. But I'll just pick one...

i choose to trust you even through the fire
even when my eyes can't see
i know you're right beside me
i will always praise you no matter what may come
you are always faithful to me

so i will dream and i'll believe
that what you've promised, soon i will see
yeah, soon i will see

it's just a matter of time til i see your face
til i dance in your presence and sing out your praise
it's just a matter of time til i hear you say well done

i surrender to your will, your way, to your plan
all i have and all i am
yeah, all i am

so i will dream and i'll believe
that what you've promised, soon i will see
yeah, soon i will see

it's just a matter of time til i see your face
til i dance in your presence and sing out your praise
it's just a matter of time til i hear you say well done

heart_ablaze @ 2004-02-29T22:31:00

2004-03-01T03:40:37Z

Therefore, when He had risen from the dead, His disciples remembered that He had said this to them; and they believed the Scripture and the word which Jesus had said. -John 2:22

does that verse have any special meaning to you? there's a reason why i'm asking and i may share later...

Courtney and I were listening to some random songs she has downloaded... and I really liked this one. It almost made me cry, even though I've heard it a million times...

i know there’s something in the wake of your smile
i get a notion from the look in your eyes
you've built a love but that love falls apart
your little piece of heaven turns too dark

listen to your heart when he's calling for you
listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
i don't know where you're going and i don't know why
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
the precious moments are all lost in the tide
they're swept away and nothing is what it seems
the feeling of belonging to your dreams

listen to your heart when he's calling for you
listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
i don't know where you're going and i don't know why
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

and there are voices that want to be heard
so much to mention but you can't find the words
the scent of magic
the beauty that's been
when love was wilder than the wind

listen to your heart when he's calling for you
listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
i don't know where you're going and i don't know why
but listen to your heart before...

listen to your heart when he's calling for you
listen to your heart there's nothing else you can do
i don't know where you're going and i don't know why
but listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye

listen to your heart

saints & sailors

2004-02-28T23:05:57Z

this is where i say i've had enough
and no one should ever feel the way that i feel now
a walking open wound
a trophy display of bruises
and i don't believe that i'm getting any better

waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and i'm thinking awful things
and i'm pretty sure that few would notice
and this apartment
is starving for an argument
anything at all to break the silence

wandering the house
like i've never wanted out
and this is about as social as I get now
and i'm throwing away the letters that i am writing you
cause they would never do
i would never do

waiting here with hopes the phone will ring
and i'm thinking awful things
and i'm pretty sure that few would notice
and this apartment
is starving for an argument
anything at all to break the silence

so don't be a liar
don't say that "everything's working"
when everything's ~~broken~~
and you smile like a saint
but you curse like a sailor
and your eyes say the joke's on me

-dashboard confessional

a fairytale ending

2004-02-14T23:15:58Z

Your highness, Heathir...

Are you the type of person who loves a good deal? In fact, if the deal is good enough, you'd buy something that you would have never bought otherwise! Well that's me... If the price was right, I'd buy a three legged porcipine. Well... maybe.

But Tuesday, when I was picking up the new Jeremy Camp and Out of Eden CDs, I had no clue why I had the impulse to buy Eric and Leslie Ludy's book. "When Dreams Come True," it was called. I read the back and thought it sounded interesting. And then I saw the sticker. "'When God Writes Your Love Story' FREE with purchase."

Now I stood there and thought, "I've read both of Josh Harris' books ("I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Boy Meets Girl"), I've read Rebecca St. James' book ("Wait for Me"), I've been to the seminars, I've discussed the dating issue up and down. I've got all that under control... be careful with physical involvement, guard your emotions and heart, don't play games, look for a spouse that reflects Christ. I don't need this book!"

Ahhh... but the deal. I just couldn't pass up a free book, even if I thought it would just be a review course in "Dating for Christians 101".

Now... only five days later, I know why I bought those books. Not because of the great deal... but because God knew they'd answer some of the many questions I'd be throwing up to him lately... and even not so lately. I wasn't really expecting to find the answers to some of my questions... because they went deeper than the "when should i start to date?", "dating or courting?", and "how far is too far?".

Something I have dealt with for years is hearing how my standards for a guy are "too high". I'd feel guilty for having such demanding expectations. I mean... what was I wishing for? A Prince??? Exactly. And I shouldn't feel guilty at all for wanting that! And this is how I found out why...

from "When God Writes Your Love Story"...

Leslie is telling about a time where she met with a friend of hers. They began discusing the main qualities Leslie wanted in a man...

I thought for a moment, then whipped out my mental checklist that I'd tucked away in a corner of my mind, adding to it over the years. "Well, I want someone who treats me like a princess, someone who is sensitive, tender, gentle, brave, full of integrity, servant hearted, and honorable just to name a few." Then I laughed self-consciously. "I guess I'm holding out for Prince Charming," I said sheepishly.

"Not really," she replied. "Just think about all those qualities you mentioned. Who can you think of that is the perfect example of all those character traits?"

"Uh... Superman?" I guessed.

"No. Jesus Christ," she responded, eyes shining. "You see, Leslie, those desires for that kind of man have been in your heart from a young age. But you are not the one who came up with those longings. It was God who put them in your heart, because He wants you to look for a man with the character of Jesus Christ."

Wow! What a truth! God has given me the desire for a godly, Christlike man because that's exactly the type of man He wants to bring me! It wasn't that I was suppose to hold out for a man who never made mistakes and was absolutely perfect in every way. Maybe my childhood imaginations had been a bit larger than life. But in no way did God want me to settle for one of the typical "jerks" who were a dime a dozen. He wanted me to save myself for a man who had His nature and character within him. And He wanted me to trust Him enough to bring that special man to me in His perfect time.

My reaction when reading that was the same as Leslies... "Wow!" Never in my life did I think that my standards (that are pretty much the same as Leslie's) were not me being "picky" but it was God! He loves me and only wants the best for me! It was Him all along!

I've realized that I deserve my prince charming just as much as every other little girl who had dreams of a knight in shining armor, a castle, and a fairy tale ending. (And just as prince deserves his princess.) I am a child of God... a daughter of the King.

And, as Leslie describes it, I am a princess of purity.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalms 37:4

[am i happy now?]

2004-02-12T00:42:51Z

I like to analyize things... probably too much, at times. This week has been such a emotional, mental, and to some degree physical strain on me. I'm left rather confused and broken.

There are two things I am certain of.

One, I know I want God's will fulfilled in my life. I'm not sure where that will take me or who I'll go with... and that drives me nuts! He knows my deepest desires and fears... And I'm learning to be content that He will work things out.

Secondly, I know that God is not a God of confusion. That in my times where I do not understand, He's molding me into the woman He desires me to be. It's in the times where I'm so broken that God must see pieces of me are scattered around when he looks down from heaven, that I hear Him clearly.

I know I'm going to walk away from this... and be stronger because of it. But, if you have a chance, pray for me.

Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Proverbs 3:5-6

heart_ablaze @ 2004-02-10T09:20:00

2004-02-10T14:29:31Z

heart alone

the tears that burn the fiercest
are the ones that hide inside my heart
my pain has beecome a mere joke
so alone, i have no clue where to start
my strength has deceived me
i can't bring myself to cry on the phone
i admit defeat to my despair
lucky am i to be left so alone
yet a small ray of light shines in
i thank God for the sudden appearance of a friend
an ear to listen, but no answers to the question
where is the pain going to end?

love when alone

2004-02-08T23:31:49Z

The love of God reaches the deepest of seclusions...

se-clude: v. To set or keep apart, as from social contact with others.
Synonyms: disassociate, isolate, seperate

Human beings are made to be a social animal. There are many joys that come from the relationships we make. But there are also bitter times when the feeling of seclusion could take over.

The idea of being alone... of being an outsider has never been pleasant. From the time we are children, humans want to be compatiable with their peers. They want the same cool toys, same cool clothes, and to be able to do all the things their friends are allowed to do. How many of us are not guilty of telling our parents, "But so and so is doing it!"?

And so we grow to consider being different a bad thing. It hurts when people seem to be waiting for you to turn your back so the fun can begin. It hurts to be unwanted and secluded.

Jesus realized the hurt of the "defective" of society and he reached out to them with his love. One of the greatest examples is when he healed the leper. And by Jewish law, the lepers were to be seperate from society. The idea of touching a leper was not just frowned upon, it was forbidden.

From a Bible commentary found here.
Leprosy was a dreadful and hopeless disease. It begins as a skin disease, defies medical skill, and is a kind of living death. With it the sufferer became white from head to foot. The leper, by the law of Moses, was regarded unclean, was separated from the people, was regarded as death, and the disease was a type of sin.

Just like Jesus reached out to the leper, he can reach out to anyone, no matter how different or alone they are. Nothing you have done can freak him out. He knows already, and he still loves you. Amazing.

One day in one of the villages there was a man covered with leprosy. When he saw Jesus he fell down before him in prayer and said, "If you want to, you can cleanse me." Jesus put out his hand, touched him, and said, "I want to. Be clean." Then and there his skin was smooth, the leprosy gone. Jesus instructed him, "Don't talk about this all over town. Just quietly present your healed self to the priest, along with the offering ordered by Moses. Your cleansed and obedient life, not your words, will bear witness to what I have done."
Luke 5:12-14

let love in

2004-02-06T05:04:31Z

it gets tough and lonely sometimes
and your spirit's barely holding on
what could i say to make you stay
what could i give?
what words do you need to hear

i could give you all the moments
that your sunlight chased away my clouds
but talking will be the death of me
i won't speak
just send my love your way

well you're waiting for salvation
it is waiting for you too
and when life is at its darkest
then the heart will pull you through.
so let love go in all you know...
and let love in

summertime would see you crying
and your heart knew something had to give
you'll never deny the truths you find
you'll hang on tight to a friend you can adore

some may offer sanctuary
give you counsel from the years
and when life is at it's darkest
you can fight away the tears,
so let love go in all you know...
and let love in

well you're waiting for salvation
it is waiting for you too
and when life is at its darkest
then the heart will pull you through.
so let love go in all you know...
and let love in

"let love in" by the elms

the bigger picture

2004-02-05T03:39:57Z

I decided that my favorite thing about traveling alone was the time I had to think and pray. I really feel that God told me two things while I was flying. One of them hit me as I was decending into Chicago's O'Hare airport on Monday afternoon.

I was staring out the window, looking down on a parking area for school busses. "They're so cute," I thought. "Just like little hotwheel cars." But they weren't. Someone drove that bus. Someone was driving all the cars I saw on the rode. Someone lived in all the homes I passed.

When it hit me that God knows each of these people, knows their thoughts, their needs, I felt a wave of awe. It's so easy for me to get caught up in my little world when there is such a bigger picture. But God is never too busy to listen to anyone of us.

I love being reminded of the simple things.

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.
Philippians 4:6-9